Parents from Viet Nam’s countryside and from the growing metropolis of Hanoi shared concerns about the negative impact of the so-called traditional way of childrearing – hitting and scolding. Together with parents, Save the Children Sweden is introducing a series of activities, ranging from training for parents to television shows to educate parents on how to handle conflict situations and use positive techniques in childrearing.
“I get up at 5 A.M. and go outside for a jog. Then I come home for breakfast, read my books, and go to the field to help my mom till our rice fields, clear weeds, and water our vegetable garden,” a fifteen year old boy, Manh, described his holiday plan before returned to reading his math book in a small house 90 kilometers north of Hanoi, Viet Nam.
Manh is one of many children in rural Viet Nam who spoke against corporal punishment. He wanted his parents to explain to him why he had to help with livestock feeding and house work.
“In the past, when my mom asked me to feed chicken or fetch water from the field, I hesitated to help her. I wanted to play with my friends. So my mom scolded and punished me. I didn’t understand why,” says Manh.
Manh’s mother, Dieu, sensed the change in her son’s emotions and discovered that corporal punishment “doesn’t produce any result, and it would only make my son hate me.”
“In the past, when my mom asked me to feed chicken or work in the farm, I didn’t want to help her. I wanted to play with my friends. So my mom scolded and punished me. My mom has changed her approach. She explains why she needs my help and helps me understand things instead of just punishing me,” says Manh.
Manh willingly helps his mother to feed the chicken after his mother consulted him about family’s income and needs.
Realise the reasons for change
Physical and emotional punishment of children affect their development and personalities, says Ngoc, a mother of a 3 year old boy, who is concerned about the negative impact of using corporal punishment on her son.
“When I had a child, I thought the best way to raise him was to beat him when he made mistakes. When I beat my son, he did not react immediately. I saw him release his anger on something else later.” Ngoc says.
For some parents, they treated their children the way they were treated when they were young.
“When I was young, my parents beat me. And when I had children, I beat my child with the belief that it would turn him into a good person. I wonder what other ways do we have to raise our child to be a good citizen of Viet Nam,” Hong questions.
Change begins!
Hong’s question was answered by her own son, by research from Save the Children Sweden and partners, and by trainers during the parenting training she attended early this year.
“During the training we were asked what kind of person we want our child to be when he grows up and what we did to support him. And I realised that by scolding or punishing him, I’ve left a scar on his feeling,” Hong says.
Hong watches over her young daughter in her living room in Hanoi, Viet Nam. Every Saturday, she volunteers to train other parents on basic principles and the application of positive parenting.
From our research, 70 out of 100 children said they faced corporal punishment at homes and schools. Children said they wanted corporal punishment against them stopped. So, since 2006 we worked with parents in communities, academia, and governments to develop and promote alternative parenting techniques – positive discipline – for parents in Viet Nam. Thus far, more than 1,000 parents have directly engaged in this programme.
“I’ve learned to control my temper, listen to my son, and guide him. My son is more receptive and the way we communicate has improved. The relationship in our family has got better,” Hong says.
For Ngoc, she has learned different parenting techniques from other parents during the training, and came up with new strategies to lessen conflicts with her son.
“Many of us (parents) are stressed with the morning rush like getting children ready to go to school. To avoid unpleasant interaction with my son in the morning, I talk to my son at night about things he has to prepare for school the following day, what to wear, and so on,” Ngoc says.
“Each child has his or her own characteristics so parents need to apply our parenting techniques in different way,” Ngoc adds.
Hong (right) gives tips to lanchame (parents) club members on how to make children more cooperative.
“Many of us (parents) are stressed with the morning rush like getting children ready to go to school. To avoid unpleasant interaction with my son in the morning, I talk to my son at night about things he has to prepare for school the following day, what to wear, and so on,” says Ngoc (left) waving to her son.
For parents in Vinh Phuc Province who picked up a copy of the positive discipline manual [1] produced by Save the Children Sweden and partners, they found the book reaffirmed their understanding on corporal punishment and its negative effects on children’s learning and development.
“I used to hit my child with a rod, but after consulting the [positive discipline] manual, I realised that punishment isn’t an affective way of teaching. If we can nurture the loving and warm atmosphere in the family, children will be less prone to bad influence from the society like getting involved in substance abuse,” says Chien, a father.
Say “No more” to the old way
Talks about making the traditional way of parenting more child friendly and free from corporal punishment are taking place both in the cities and in rural areas. Manh’s mother, Dieu, and women’s clubs’ members urge other parents in their community to reconsider the so-called traditional way of disciplining their children, and use positive parenting approaches instead.
“Beating and hitting are the old way of teaching our children. Children interact with television and modern things now. We have to be modern and improve our way of teaching otherwise we are out of date,” Dieu concludes.
As part of the positive parenting campaign, Save the Children and VTV6 kicked off the first parenting talk show, broadcasting the show nationwide. Hosted by Dang Thi Diem Quynh, the nine episodes featured parenting techniques and principles from Save the Children Sweden’s positive discipline manual and discussion about the application of the manual by Vietnamese celebrities and Lamchame parent club members.
Story by Pariphan Uawithya, scs@seap.savethechildren.se
Photo by Troung Van Vi